It's About To Get Real

I really don’t like when things are out of order, you can blame it on my OCD tendencies, but today, despite those tendencies, I am not going to post part 3 of my Uganda adventure (I will post that hopefully Friday) and instead I am going to share something that made me think ‘wow, it just got real’ after I revised it. So here we go.

Someone told me recently that they appreciated that fact that I’m honest and how I share my struggles on this here blog. Well, that’s not always the case. I tend to keep things bottled up, never really wanting to expose my true feelings, afraid of what others might think or say, afraid of being vulnerable. I don’t want anyone to ever have the ability to hurt me so as a defense mechanism I don’t let people get too close. I definitely guard my heart, sometimes I think a little too good.

With that being said I’m going to lower that guard, just a tad, and share something with you guys. For a couple weeks now I have been ignoring God, not reading his word, not talking to Him. Seems like a funny thing to do while your in Africa trying to tell people about Him, but that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. If I’m going to be really honest, it’s because I was mad at Him. That’s really hard for me to admit that I felt that way, I don’t like that I felt that way on bit, but that’s where I was at. I miss my family, I miss my best friend, I miss being a nanny for two of my favorite little girls, I miss my dog, I miss my life in America. I was mad at God because I felt like He took that away from me, He took me away from some of the people and things that I loved so dearly. Yes, they will all still be there when I go back, but things will be different, I’ll never be the same, they’ll never be the same, things will have changed, hopefully good change, but change non the less. Growth is a normal, necessary, part of life. I am going to miss out on some times, times I wont get back. Some of them are small and stupid like watching a scary movie before going to a corn maze in the fall, running to starbucks, screaming/singing in the car, and some are big, like weddings, anniversaries, holidays and birthdays, but all are meaningful to me. I was mad because God has asked me to do something hard. I know plenty of amazing Godly women that are back in the states now, living a “normal” life yet serving Him with all their hearts. A part of me wants that. A part of me is scared that moving to Rwanda has set me back, is making me miss out. A part of me wonders why I have been asked to move to Rwanda instead of stay at home and live like an average 21 year old. Why? Why am I different? Why me?

I do over think about what the future is going to hold for me. I day dream constantly about the things my heart desires wondering if it all will someday be my reality or if I’ll be asked to give it up. I find myself being afraid more than I am excited about my future.

All of this questioning and wondering (and ok, pitty partying) and instead of turning to God for comfort and answers, I turned away. One of my wonderful attributes is avoiding confrontation at all cost and until now I didn’t realize how greatly that not only affects my relationships with family and friends but also my relationship with God.

Than today I realized, I have no need to worry about what I’m going to do today, tomorrow, next year, or the rest of my life because God knows. He knows! He has it all planned perfectly! And if I’m constantly seeking after Him I can confidently walk through this crazy life knowing that He has plans for me, knowing that He loves me, knowing that He will never leave or forsake me, knowing that this life is simply a blimp in time and soon enough I will spend eternity worshiping Him.

When I first started planning to come to Rwanda I thought that I was going to be the one to helped these people grow but so far God has been working overtime on me, on my heart. Changing me, shaping me, revealing things to me. It’s been a rough journey, I always knew that this was not going to be easy, but I also didn’t realize just how hard it was going to be. Right now though I am confident in this one truth; it is all for a purpose, His purpose. No matter how rough this journey gets, no matter the circumstances, no matter the consequences, I always want to be obedient and always willing to follow blindly.

I debated whether or not to actually write and post all of this. I don’t want to let anyone down, I don’t want anyone to think less of me because of all this, I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea. But I am human, I am sinner, I make mistakes and fail daily. Right now this is something that I am struggling and dealing with and instead of dealing with it by myself I wanted to let some others in. Not so I could get back encouraging comments, not so I would feel better about myself, but so that you could pray specifically for me. I find that when you pray specifically and boldly big things happen and that is what I want, big things to happen during my time spent in Rwanda. Not for my glory, but all for His.